Where's the glow?

                       Laguna Family Picture from last weekend.. Sarah Grace is in the tummy (23 weeks)!

                                                      

Its been a minute since I have last blogged, ok longer than a minute. Since I found out I was pregnant I have been in survival mode. Like trying to hold food down, trying to keep balance through the hormone dizzy, still trying to fit in size small maternity pants in denial that those suckers will no where near pull up over my expanding thighs! 

This is pregnancy three for me and boy let me tell you its been a rough ride. The other day I reminded my husband that since thanksgiving, there has not been one good day of pregnancy. I think the longest I have gone is a day or two without throwing up and when I think I turned a little corner the little girl in my tummy is reminding me who will be in charge when she arrives.

Oh did you catch that, Yes it is a girl! Praise God, because after we welcome this little princess, the shop will be closed for good. Yup there will be no more baby making productions going on in this womb of mine. Although I love my children dearly, pregnancy is has not been so blissful unlike those cute pintrest maternity pictures you see!!!

You know what I am going to do some reality pictures, you know the ones with your head in the toilet, or the one were you look like a four year old with wet pants, because you couldn't control your bladder. Or better yet the one in fetal position, because you ate something that created enough acid to create an atomic bomb! Oh, I know the one where my perfectly position swollen hand (because I ate to much salt) is gently up against expanding cheek that is growning more rapidly than my uterus. 

The reality of age, weight gain, gestational diabetes ( although not sure if I have it this time around yet) morning sickness ( that should be renamed all day sickness), dizziness, gas, acid reflux, uncontrollable bladder, panty liners, emergency trips to the pot and crazy hormone moods have me wondering how on earth did I sign up for this again. 

Last night after I went to bed I heard my hubby in the kitchen and poor thing was probably hiding the knives! He may or may not live to see the birth of his little girl, Im just saying.....  The other night I got in fetal position and cried like a baby. Actually not even like a cute baby cry,  but the UGLY cry. OMG have you ever seen a pregnant women ugly cry? It aint pretty probably could be the poster child for a mental health ad.  My husband got on his knees started to pray for me, reminded me that there will be suffering sometimes and ......... I know he was trying to encourage me, but unless he has pushed a watermelon out of a grape size hole out of his body, he has not idea.. Hahah see told you, pray for his safety. 

I started to feel guilty about the way I had been  feeling, because I wasn't enjoying my pregnancy. While I have friends struggling to get pregnant, Im sure they would welcome anything pregnancy would give them. The other day I was in the shower, praying and really calling out to the Lord.  I don't know what it is about the shower, but with water running down my face makes my tears feel more dramatic its like a holy place for me. As the water beads down its like it is washing away the sorrow! 

My thoughts were all over the place, why am I so sick, what happen to what I thought you showed me, and thought after thought.... Then my heart and my mind was still and I heard the Lord say " My Grace is sufficient for your needs"

Cue in ugly cry now........... When I got out of the shower, I was reminded that its ok, not to be ok. Its ok to not find joy in the turmoil, but to find joy in the hope that it is not going to be like this forever. In four months or less, I will be holding my precious girl, and although the days seem long it will be a short time in my life that I did not like being pregnant. 

You don't have to like where God has you. You don't have even be joyful that things are falling apart.. BUT He wants you to know that His grace is enough to keep you afloat. He wants you to know that there is hope, that it isn't going to last forever. 

2nd Corinthians 12:9-10 

" My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest in me. There for I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproach, in needs in persecutions, in distress for Christ sake. For when I am weak then I am strong.

I love this exhortation from Paul. Paul didn't take pleasure in the pain itself, but rejoiced in the power of Christ that revealed. Paul was the real deal, right before that verse he was pleading with the Lord to take away the thorn in his flesh. A commentary said that " he was longing for relief and begging for this painful hindrance he was enduring." Have you ever found yourself in a place of longing or begging the Lord for relief? I know I have and was that day in the shower. 

And you know what its ok. It is ok to be in a place where you are not ok, because that is the place when His grace will meet you and when He is working through you. How can you feel weak with Christ is working through you? You are weak but He is strong. I hope I come to a place where I enjoy being pregnant in my last few months, but I know this for sure, I love this child so much I would not ever wish I wasn't, even in my hardest day. I will love her to the moon and back, and one day I will share how my baby Grace was the strength I need to make it through one more day of vomiting! 

Are you begging or longing? I hope you are encouraged today, that whatever the thorn in your flesh is that you find hope knowing that Christ is working through you.. 

Love you all!!!!

Moni