A fathers love.. Remembering my dad today

I slipped on the gown, put on the gloves and slipped the mask over my mouth. I opened the big door and when he heard the sound of the door he looked up to see who it was. The conversation went like this...

“Baby, I am going to be there for your wedding” ,He said confidently, but I could see the fear in his eyes he thought otherwise.

I said “ Dad, I know you will but if you don’t its ok. I will be fine. If I don’t see you at my wedding I will see you in heaven.

I sat there next to him in his bed all hooked up to machines. A man who was so strong who all his life worked construction and did a job many could not do. Now he laid there hanging on to a small hope and dependent on machines to keep him alive. With a tube down his throat.

I can close eyes and remember it as if it was yesterday. Only it was eight years ago. My dad didn’t make it to my wedding he died a day later. He died eight years ago today to be exact. I was talking to a friend yesterday who lost a someone close to her heart. She is grieving and I told her that I am not sure if we ever stop grieving. It gets easier and you have peace but I still grieve. I grieved when I got married and he wasn't there, I grieved when Noah was born and he wasn't there and other important times in my life.

I guess that is one of the reasons that I long for heaven. There is a little piece of me there waiting. Today I want to talk about my fathers love. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship at times. He and my mom divorced when I was very young and he did his best to keep up with his part of the daddy duties but he failed like most of us parents do. As I got older our relationship changed and I got to appreciate the man that he was.

My dad LOVED me, now when I say he loved me, there was no doubt that I was his pride and joy. Even though I made it difficult for him to love me. He was proud to have me as his daughter. He was a hard working man who never complained. My dad was known for his smile and laugh. He would call me and I could hear his smile across the phone. He had joy and even as he was dying of his cancer all he thought about was me.

He was a true picture and reflect of my heavenly father. My dad displayed all the characteristics of Jesus with his unwavering unconditional love that he had for me. I think back to times in my life and think of the miss opportunities with him I will never get back. I thought about this today and thought do I really want to blog this? I prayed and that is why it is so late. I think that it is important for me to grow. I have regrets, I regret the times when he would call and I didn't pick up because I was to busy or didn't want to talk. I regret making fun of the cheesy christmas gifts he would get. I regret not telling him that I love him more. I regret that the time I broke out my bible to read with him was when he was on his death bed. I regret not tell him how proud I was to have a dad that worked as hard as him. Do you have regrets to? Is there someone in your life that once they are gone you can say the same thing? Why wait, do it now, tell them so that you don't have regrets.

The year my dad died I went through many things. I found out that my mom and dad had cancer on the same day. Talk about a crazy time. It was also the year I got married to my husband got a promotion at work and moved into a new place with sal. I often tell people that my dad died so that I can live. It wasn't till my dads death that I went through a very dark time in my life that I was forced to turn to my God. I know I say force because at the time there was really no other way. And that God that he loved me so much that he took the time to break me and force him today.

Today I walk with Jesus not because I am forced but because I want to. I do because I have the hope that one day I will be in heaven with both! I smile and thinking of that day when I can see my dad again and remind him of the promise that I would see him again. All things work for good as the bible says. Sal picked out Noah’s middle name of Asher. It means “blessed one” and “smiling one”. We didn't know that it meant smiling one till after he was born and he lives up to it. He is always smiling and has a joy about him. One day I was missing my dad and thinking how he would have been a proud grandpa and Noah smiled at me. It was then that I realize he had his grandpa’s smile! I thank God for showing me the simple things that make me smile.

I thank you all for reading and sharing in my heart and coming along with me on this journey of FFF!

Rejoicing and smiling,

Monica

ok I have to share with you, I am a mess right now.. After I blogged this I went to get a picture of my dad and I out of a frame he gave me after his second wedding about a year before he died. I never opened up the frame before till right now this very minute and I had no idea he signed the picture..

It says in his writing “ I love you with all my heart, I am so proud of you mija. Love dad” Wow amazing I am speechless without words!