Friends Guest Blog Week-"Family" Maribel

As mentioned last week its friends guest blog week. Today we kick it off with Maribel and she is blogging about family. I met Maribel at my first CCM retreat a two years back, when I was blessed to be in the same room with her. Her gentle smile and love for her girls, and husband warms my heart.

Hi, my name is Maribel and I was asked to share a little something on the topic of “Family”. It’s funny because the first thing I thought when Monica asked me to write this is, “We are jacked up! Who wants to hear MY thoughts on family?” But then I realized that our story is a beautiful story because it is a story of God’s grace, mercy, and sacrifice at Calvary.

I want to share some things pertaining to my small family of 4. If I get into extended family we will be here until the second coming. I suppose it started with getting married. My husband and I did not have a fairytale courtship or honeymoon first year. In fact, I thought I made the biggest mistake in marrying this man. He was not a believer and I was obviously backslidden. I look back now and laugh because I used to think I was so much better than him because I was a “Christian” when I should have known better and not even been dating the dude! BUT GOD, doesn’t make mistakes. In my first year of marriage, I felt ashamed to even ask God to intervene in my life because I felt guilty for taking my eyes off of Him to begin with. I felt like I deserved the pain because I had walked away from my Lord. Until His mercy, grace, and death on the cross really, deeply, intimately made its way into my heart. While I knew God would forgive me, finally knowing Him intimately and believing in His promises allowed me to forgive myself.

Then Zoey was born. Her name is perfect because this child signified LIFE for me. God gave us this new life with this perfect little girl that I still believe I don’t deserve. I learned to further recognize the love a parent has for a child and realized that my Heavenly Father loved me and had a plan for me. I can either run from it, or submit to it. I chose to let the Lord lead my life because the decisions I was making without him were causing a lot of pain, and I didn’t want to cause pain on this little, perfect baby who I now got to call my own. The Lord also used Zoey to transform my husband. He suddenly became a different man. He no longer desired to have one foot in the world and he wholeheartedly took on his new responsibility as father with zeal. The first day he held Zoey in his arms I recognized again, that God doesn’t make mistakes. He had a plan for us, and part of it was to be together. We were a family now and we wanted the Lord in the center of it.

Two years later my spicy little Emma was born and just felt like our family was blessed. Two beautiful daughters, a wonderful husband, my amazing wife skills! We were good!

Then, about a year and half ago we were pregnant again! “Wow Lord, what a blessing! We need to move though because we have no space! There is so much to do! I am not even sick! What if we are getting our boy! Blah, blah, blah…” November 2010 we experienced our first miscarriage. It was early. 9 weeks. Not even showing. But it was a life. The bible says that before we were in our mother’s wombs, He knew us. This child was a life, and now is dead. I was devastated, but guess what? 6 weeks later we were pregnant again!

We saw a heartbeat at the first appointment. My belly grew. I felt so sick, which is a good sign. It probably means your body is doing what it’s supposed to. My belly grew fast, so I thought it was a boy for sure. I was afraid to get excited but couldn’t help imagining what our lives would be like with a crazy little boy around. I went to my 18 week appointment and found out there was no heartbeat. MY. HEART. BROKE. I couldn’t do a D&C this time; I had to deliver because of the baby’s size. I had to go through labor, feel contractions, and deliver a dead baby…boy. We named him Caleb and cried until we couldn’t cry anymore. The following months could also keep you here all night, but what I would really want to share is that God truly became my comfort. When Hector no longer understood my emotions, when people got back to their normal lives and I was stuck in a rut, when for the first time in my life I truly felt alone, God was my comfort. He never left me… In this world we will have tribulation, BUT be of good cheer, says the Lord. I also remembered that God does not make mistakes! I felt a peace about my loss. I will never know what the Lord spared me from. Kids have cancer or become wayward, and my son has a new perfect body in heaven and never knew the sin of this earth! And I will see him again!

5 months pass, and…you guessed it! I am pregnant again. I swore if this baby didn’t live, I was done trying forever. I also thought God wouldn’t allow me to go through that grief again. We drew closer to Him, we were obedient in homeschooling Zoey, we got all “Dave Ramsey” and got our finances in order. We even went to “A Weekend to Remember” and grew more as a couple than I ever imagined. The Lord did a wonderful work, and now we are getting our baby. This baby doesn’t take the place of the ones lost, but we are finally getting our 3rd baby so I can be done with childbearing and finally get my bathing suit bod!

3 weeks ago we lost another baby. I chose to deliver my 15 week old baby because I didn’t want him/her sucked out through a tube as I imagine is done during a D&C. I wanted to feel the labor and see my baby this time. We didn’t know the gender, but I saw the perfect little face and body and felt very defeated and for a second forgotten by God. I didn’t want to go back to feeling as depressed as I did the last time, and I was annoyed that no one knows what is causing this and yet everyone around me bombards me with that question repeatedly.

I went through the book of Luke recently and once again read about Jesus dying on the cross for me. How dare I think God doesn’t love me when he sent His only Son to die for me? I am human, but His love is greater than me. I am sad, but never more convinced that God is in control.

So, the topic was family and I chose to share our story because family doesn’t always turn out the way you would expect. Maybe some of you did marry your perfect soul mate, have 2.5 kids, a house with a white picket fence, and are debt free. That’s not me, but I am thankful. We are broken, but clinging to the cross like never before. Through all of the pain and disappointment, God has carried us and shown us grace and mercy. Family can consist of any one in your circle and God uses those people to teach you about yourself and the great love He has for you. They are always a blessing even when it may not feel like it. In my case, I am grateful for these recent moments when I have experienced immense love and compassion through my deepest heartache. This family didn’t start off as it should have, but God loved us so much he forgave us and is continuing to do a good work. That doesn’t mean everything will now be perfect, it just means that there is hope, and that hope does not ever disappoint.