On the eve of forty

On the eve of my 40th birthday I am not sure I want to drop kick it to the face or embrace it and hug it like a long lost friend. 

On one hand the thought of being out of high school for 22 years makes me seem old ,but the fact that every morning I woke up for last 40 years is a gift I should embrace. Some haven't been so blessed. 

If you asked me in my teen years what I'd be doing at 40, id probably tell you I would be playing basketball in the wnba. In my 20's id say sitting in my office for AT&T still taking long "working" lunches and still loving my honey. My 30's well that's when things would start to change. I'd say raising a boy or two, still loving my honey and possibly be a stay at home mom, and involved in ministry. 

Well here we are on the eve of 40! I am laying here in sweat shorts, my husbands shirt,  watching a sweet little girl sleep. My house is tore up, my two boys are at an amazing school that we are somehow affording to pay. My body stretched, scared, gray, and flabby. But it's ok I am still using the I just had a baby card. My office is my home and paycheck comes in hugs.

I never knew what forty would looked like and I never could have wrote it any better. Has getting to forty been easy? Absolutely not! We have lost way too many loved ones, hit lots of dark valleys, experience many disappointments,  and struggled through emotional, mental, financial, and physical pain. 

But here is what I can say about forty, although my body aches from lack of sleep, my house looks like El Niño arrived, we have some bills heading into the 60 day mark from Gracie's birth there is great peace. 

I've learned at 40 that every year before it was written out way before I was born. When the Lord formed me in that precious strong lady I call mom, He knew what forty would look like for me. He knew I would one day be here in this house , entrusted with a loving husband and three children that call me mom, well kinda.

So the day I was born he started my training. Everything whether it seemed good or bad, has been to prepare me for this day and the days ahead.

The reality of life is that I have no idea how many birthdays the Lord has for me. And for me, I realize that our time is precious and short in compared to eternity. So for me forty doesn't look like the dirty house or the rundown tent I occupy.

Here is what my forty looks like. It looks like hope, hope that one day I can stand before the Lord with confidence that I took care of the people he trusted me with. That my arrows he placed in my quiver would hit the target. That the man he gave me I respected and loved him as His child. 

It looks like love, I love people. The boys are always asking why I talk to everyone. I love to love. I love waving to the crossing guard every morning as I drive by that I have never met. I love dinner dates, coffee dates and any time I can sit across the cutest four year old to the hurting 50 year old. 

It looks like peace, despite circumstances, hurts or failures I have peace that "He who has begun a new work has not completed it" so I rest in the fact that God is not done with me. So there is Grace.

It looks like faith, I don't know what tomorrow holds , but I know who holds it. It is because of my testimony and what God has done in my life that my faith is stronger than a mustard seed.

So here's to 40 and praying for many more! And as always I want to thank my mom that 40 years ago she chose life. And to all my family, friends , strangers I've met... Thank you loving me and helping me be who I am today!!!

So let's eat cake!!!! Xoxoxo 
Moni